I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize