Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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