Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
