so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
