Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
