Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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