Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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