State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
