By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
