Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
