So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
