I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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