I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
