i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
