remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
