I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
