You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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