Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
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Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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