dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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