also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
