if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
