did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
