One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
