I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
