All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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