My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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