totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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