Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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