I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
