So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I could fuck to npr.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
