I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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