you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
