so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
