I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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