At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
