Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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