Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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