so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
