Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
