Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There r osticjed everywhere
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
