god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
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I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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