at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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