Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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