Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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