I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
