So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
