So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
