omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
where does the pee come out of this thing
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize