Soap is not a condiment
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
