dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
