did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
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He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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