he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
