you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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