Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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