i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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