When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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