If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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