We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
