There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hippo gnu deer
Are my feet made of real feet?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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