I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
