I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
