I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
